K-Roll's Depression Ass Kicking Log: How Evangelion Saved my Life

"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390) 06/07/2016 at 12:45 • Filed to: Life

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I guess we should get this out of the way first. Greetings, fellow Oppos and Jalops, it’s certainly been a while, and I’ve genuinely missed you lot. My apologies for worrying you after my last time here. But a lot has changed in my life, and especially in my mind, and I’m here to share with you that change.

I can’t remember much from the last time I was here, but I was in a very bad way. I felt like I had nothing left to offer the world, that what I was doing was hurting everyone around me and doing absolutely no good. I was enraged and jealous of everyone else forming new relationships and looking genuinely happier than I could ever be. I wanted what they had, I wanted to be as successful as they were, I wanted to stop failing and being a burden on others. I won’t sugarcoat it, I simply wanted to truly be out of this world, I wanted to be dead. It was a scary time for my my friends and family, and myself. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what I could do, I felt that offing myself was the only control I had left. My psychiatrist feared for me and made me sign an antisuicide contract. And if I were to fail to uphold it, I’d be put in hospital for my own safety.

Yeah, it wasn’t a good couple months. But then something happened. I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion .

In watching this piece of work, I found myself relating to the protagonist, Shinji Ikari in ways I couldn’t imagine. In some ways, I felt as though I was Shinji. I don’t want to go into the whole detail of his character, but if you’ve seen the series, or know of him, well...

I later found this analysis of Shinji, and it was here that I found out what kind of problems I had in my life, and I learned more about myself than I ever had. I went on what was originally suppose to be a short walk, as my psychiatrist recommended physical activity to help clear my mind and focus on myself. That short walk became a 3 hour and 10 mile walk , where as I was listening to this analysis over and over, I had an epiphany:

I can’t change people. I have no control over anyone. The reality I’ve been living in has been a lie. That good things will come to those that sit back and wait it out is untrue.

I know exactly what I want, and I can have what it is that I want, only if I make it so. I’m afraid to do things for myself because I’m afraid I’ll hurt those around me. I feel bad when people worry and care about me because I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, and that’s because I don’t love myself. I can’t love anyone because I don’t love myself. I’m afraid that I’ll hurt myself and others if I let people get to close. Being alone makes it so I can’t be hurt, but it also makes it so I can’t feel love or be loved; something I want. I have difficulties trusting others because I don’t love myself. But I’m not alone. Everyone suffers, and everyone can empathize with others because of that. But the price of love and empathy is the threat of suffering at any time; but maybe the pros outweigh the cons, maybe it’s worth it to open up to others and be the me I want to be. The me, that I keep locked inside so as to not hurt others. But I’ll never be happy unless I stop running away from myself and make decisions for myself.

The world I live in isn’t so bad, it’s only bad because I perceive it as bad. It’s all in my mind, an illusion. If I can change my perception of reality, I can be happy or better off in any situation I deem sad or hurtful or depressing. I might not love myself now, but I can learn to appreciate who and what I am, and change some things to become the person I want to be. I don’t know how long it’ll take for all of this, and I’ve no control over all of it, but maybe I can affect some change somehow somewhere in my life for the better. I do have that choice, and a chance that I can make for better.

I know realize I’m very fortunate to have friends and family who care about me enough to take time out of their day to talk with me and help me sort life out as I go. For the first time, I actually feel confident that I can actually handle, and maybe one day deck depression in the schnoz!

I just wanted to let you guys and gals know that I’m gonna be alright from here on in, and that I’m looking forwards to brighter and hopefully better days ahead, and thanks for being there on the interwebs and being my electronic and online support group. It really means a lot that even though it’s just the internet, and I may not even get to meet all of you one day, that you lot are still great people who help others when they’re down and at rock bottom.

Also, I’d like to check in with you all. How’ve you all been?

(I was asked to post one 944 pic, so here’s the most recent one I’ve got)

Jcarr > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 12:52

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Hey, welcome back!

deprecated account > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 12:54

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I’m glad you’re back! It’s been pretty quiet around here I guess. Good to hear you’re sorting things out.

AM3R shamefully returns > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 12:55

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Plz post 944 pictures.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 12:57

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Hey! K-Roll is back!

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 12:58

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Evangelion is on my “watch at some point” list, but I know enough to know that it’s not really uplifting as such, so it may be a while. I’ve gotten the impression Shinji has somewhat of a hatedom, but I think that has more to do with his middle struggling periods than story resolution. Not that saying “story resolution” and “Evangelion” in the same sentence is really all that cogent but I digress.

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 12:59

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Good to hear that you’re back and better, man.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > AM3R shamefully returns 06/07/2016 at 13:00

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This is the most recent one I’ve got. A stormtrooper took a pic with my car.

Sneaky Pete > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:01

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Welcome back to oppo, and to life.

Funktheduck > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:01

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Glad to hear things are looking up.

$kaycog > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:03

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In one word: awesome!

vondon302 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:03

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Glad to hear you sorted some things out and are back in a upswing mood. Life can be tricky and takes alot of work but it’s the only game in town.

Now that that’s out pf the way how’s the 944 running?

Urambo Tauro > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:05

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It’s great to hear from you! Even better to hear that you’re ok, and on a good path. Someday I’m going to have to sit down and binge-watch all of NeoGenEva again.

BTW, I can’t help but notice that it feels like anime week here on Oppo...

Berang > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:07

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I might watch the video later. I remember watching NGE on bootleg VHS way back when I was in HS, coincidentally right around the time I began showing symptoms of depression. Hideaki Anno wrote the story partly in reaction to his own experiences with depression, and I think that’s why Shinji’s character is one of the most accurate representations of it in pop culture.

Anyway it’s good you’re getting a grip on things. If you’re like myself, depression will fade as you get older. I still have bad months every now and then, but nothing as bad as when I was about 18-20.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > vondon302 06/07/2016 at 13:11

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It’s good to feel better and begin to do things for myself, and even if they’re for others, they’ll only be done so because I willed it to be of my own volition.

It’s running alright as of last night. I had a stumbling idle and difficult time getting it to run consistently; having it die in my driveway and on the road. But I think I’ve discovered the culprit to be a very worn distributor cap and rotor that I’ll need to replace in the next week.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 06/07/2016 at 13:12

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Popular to contrary belief and what reviews say about the show, it’s one of the most perplexing and thought provoking shows of any kind I’ve ever watched. It’s so raw and genuine, it’s in a league of it’s own with a few other anime series I’ve yet to watch.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Urambo Tauro 06/07/2016 at 13:13

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Likewise! It’s great to see not much has changed here at all. I binge watched it, and the movies over the course of two weeks, and it changed a lot in the way I see the world and think about things.

El Rivinado > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:13

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I’m glad you found a way to combat your depression. I was really worried about you, because I’ve been in your shoes before and I’ve had those thoughts before. But, I’m happy your doing alright for yourself. For what it’s worth, the last big hit I had was two and a half months ago and I’ve felt really happy ever since that incident.

As for me, work's going well, my Livestreaming is taking a brief hiatus but I will get back to it someday, hanging out and playing with my friends, turned 20 last May, bought myself something nice (That I will post eventually) and the Caddie's doing alright. I think the only thing that got me shaken was when I nearly got in an accident, but other than that, I couldn't be happier. Good to see you doing alright K-Roll.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > deprecated account 06/07/2016 at 13:13

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Thank you kindly!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 06/07/2016 at 13:13

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That I am.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:17

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Using anime to work through personal problems isn’t a new one in my friend group, lol. Good to see you got through it.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Berang 06/07/2016 at 13:19

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Shinji is one of the most misunderstood characters of all time. He’s up there with Holden Caufield in my opinion. Shinji isn’t suppose to be the teenage-angsty-superhero-badass that we see in so many other mecha series and anyone that’s seen the show and has gone through what Shinji’s gone through or has had experience with depression should know that. He’s not here to provide escape from the real world, he IS the real world. That’s why I was able to instantly recognize and relate to his character.

Well, I’m 20 now, but even if it never goes away, I’m confident that I’ll be able to take control as time goes on. Depression won’t own me again.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 06/07/2016 at 13:32

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It actually works if you find the right anime.

and 100 more > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:33

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Good to see ya back around, man.

Good job on the YT channel, too. Quality stuff there. :)

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > $kaycog 06/07/2016 at 13:37

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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:37

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I don’t suggest beating depression with Gurren Lagann or Kill La Kill, however.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:37

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It’s much more fun and rewarding to make your own goals and accomplishments, rather than measure the goals and accomplishments of others.

Congrats on becoming better at understanding yourself and your life. Looking forward to your upcoming car adventures and seeing you, what do they call it, “do your thang”?

Matt Nichelson > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:39

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So long as you are ok, it doesn’t matter what ya used. You found something that worked and that’s awesome. Glad to hear you’re doing better!

Biggus Dickus (RevsBro) > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:53

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Awesome news! Keep fighting the good fight, sir! Mental health is no joke.

Berang > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:55

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The whole series is pretty much anti-romanticizing many aspects of pop culture. Anno pretty much went “you think piloting big robots would be fun? Well actually it’d be super shitty and you’d hate it” and most every other aspect of the story pretty much follows that line. The sort of things anime had glorified for decades, Anno pointed out were things that weren’t actually that great if one thought about it seriously. Shinji really took the cliche of the reluctant hero and destroyed it.

I think that’s why a lot of people don’t like the character. Because they want to believe that if they were in that situation they’d turn out to be a badass, or at least make the most of it. It’s the suggestion that Shinji, for all of his issues, actually does handle extraordinary circumstances really well that unsettles a lot of people I think. Because once they start thinking of it seriously, they probably realize they wouldn’t be able to do it half as well, that they’re probably weaker than Shinji. And people hate that.

Reece-Current Stinger GT owner > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 13:58

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As someone who had a similar experience with NGE I’m glad you watched it. For a almost 20 year old anime, it really takes such a deep look into the human mind and emotions. A must watch for anyone IMO

Chuckles > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 15:56

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Glad to hear that you’re doing better. Also happy to see a Doctor Who gif. Evangelion has been on my list of things to rewatch for way too long. Time for me to suck it up and buy it.

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 16:07

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themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 16:20

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GODDAMN IT SHINJI, GET IN THE ROBOT!

I freely admit I’m one of the haters who thinks evangelion is overhyped and overanalyzed and was a “throw it all in a blender and pray” wet fart from Gainax that was meant to balance the books, not be held up as the gold standard of “deep and serious” anime.

...But that being said, I’m glad you were able to relate with themes and ideas and break out of your funk.! Now quick! Go to an autocross! West Michigan Porsche club is hosting an open autocross at Spartan speedway this saturday. The FiST will be there.

CaptDale - is secretly British > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 17:21

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Glad to see you back! I am also happy you found something to relate to. That can be really hard when things feel like they did. I keep getting told that that is a great anime, I guess it is time to watch it.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 06/07/2016 at 20:47

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Good thing I’ve already seen both then. Gurren Lagann might’ve been helpful if Simon wasn’t an annoying character early on. He's the Shinji everyone describes Shinji as.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/07/2016 at 21:22

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Eh, Simon being an obnoxious brat at the beginning just gave him all the more room for growth and transformation.

Sam > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/08/2016 at 01:43

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Hooker > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/11/2016 at 08:38

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This makes me happy man. We are all here for you. Stay strong. Stay positive. Stay Oppo.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 06/13/2016 at 13:40

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Made me very happy to read all this, K-Roll. Glad you’ve gained this perspective and that you’re doing well.